Auto Licensing - E-check Folly

This is a story about Ohio Automobile Licensing Laws and non-compliance, a zinger regarding the dumbing down of legislatures and bureaucracies. I often ask myself "who wrote this law, and why was it written?" When you have to get around a goofy law, take a nice pair of legs and few dogs with you.

After receiving my title and temp tags from the dealer in August 2005, it was time to get new plates for my SUV. Actually it was past time ... after the temp tags had expired (by a few days). Off I go to the title bureau (BMV) . After waiting in the BMV's line for a painfully long time with coughers and wheezers I'd never otherwise voluntarily go into a room with, the state employee smugly and summarily informs me that my 3-year-old SUV needs to be checked for emissions violations before they can issue my plates. Of course, I should have known this (their attitude), about my late model vehicle.

So I hurriedly go to the closest E-check station thinking I had enough time to get compliant that day. Naturally, I can't find the closest E-check station, because the state employee had provided lousy directions. It's tucked away somewhere off the beaten path that only locals would be familiar with, requiring that I waste more time just seeking the damn place. Finally finding it, I'm running very short on time, and there's a line. Dang, and it's not moving. By the time I actually get in for the e-check I'm seething, and late for an appointment. While not prone to road rage, all I could think of was how wrong the law was to require a 3-year-old car to be checked at all. What a purposeless overreach ... I figured maybe it was someone's idea of a grim joke.

"You fail!, automatically" the toothless station attendant abruptly informed me. "I what?", I said, "you haven't even checked the emissions yet, what do you mean I fail?" "Can't ... your check engine light is on, that's an au-to-ma-tic failure", she explained. "You've got to be kidding me", I argued, "that idiot light went on two years ago when the car was 1-year old. It's a short in the electrical system. What the hell does that have to do with my car's emissions?" She tersely explained, "When your check engine light is on, it's an au-to-ma-tic failure and you have to go get your car fixed and certified by the repair facility first before we can check the emissions. That's the law. Here's a list of e-check authorized repair facilities." Appalled, I grimaced as she droned on "when you get that done come on back and see us." Then she smiled again. Yikes.

I was dumbfounded. I wasted the whole afternoon just to learn something I didn't know before ... that the emissions testing bureaucracy and state legislature was in cahoots with the auto repair industry. It wasn't enough for me to come back with my check engine light off, I had to prove that my car was serviced. I was being forced to have my car serviced at considerable expense to address an idiot light on my instrument panel, which I knew was of no consequence to the vehicle's operational integrity. These lights routinely go on when nothing is wrong. Everybody knows that, right?

But that didn't matter. It also didn't matter that the glowing check engine light didn't have anything whatever to do with the vehicle's emission status. The law said that I failed. Period. No Test. In other words, the object of the law, which was presumably to assure that cars did not exceed certain emission levels, had morphed into assuring that cars were in good repair. "What kind of ignorant legislative twilight zone have I entered", I wondered. Do we actually pay these people to come up with, debate, and vote on these dumb laws? Please tell me it isn't so.

So, my tags remain expired because now I must have my car serviced by someone with the computer technology capable of resetting the idiot light, and issuing competent evidence of that occurrence. When am I going to have the time to do this? This is so o o o annoying. At least I had a document from the e-check station showing that I'd been there and failed ... just in case I had to do some explaining to the police. A few weeks later I traveled to Washington DC for a family funeral and decided to leave my car with the dealer for service while I was gone. I figured they could do some minor stuff and restore the idiot light to its normal "unlit" state.

Returning from DC to an $800.00 repair bill was aggravating to say the least. But at least the check engine light problem / mystery had been solved. Of course, nothing the dealer did to the car had anything to do with a repair called for by the engine light diagnostics. The engine light was on for no apparent reason. And certainly no reason that had anything to do with the car's emission status.

I felt good. Now I could go and show the E-check bureaucrats that my car was in great shape, and I had the service bill to prove it.

Two days later, before I could get back to the E-check station, my check engine light mysteriously comes back on. And stays on. And on. Oh, the misery of engine mysteries. Now I was faced with having to waste more of my time figuring out how to get my idiot light turned off a second time, and make sure it stayed off long enough to get an emissions test, and figure out why it came on again after it was just turned off by a certified technician? Was there something really wrong with my engine this time, or was it just the light, again? There didn't seem to be anything wrong with the engine. What were the odds that it was the engine this time? Slim to none.

Defiance began setting in. I knew this wasn't the dealer's fault, after all the light had come on by itself for no apparent reason two years earlier, as I had politely explained to the E-check attendant. Now the legislature's goofy lawmaking was really annoying me. Suddenly I was in no hurry to be "compliant". I wonder if the legislature considered this potential consumer reaction to their regulatory folly.

Necessity calls. So I learned a new habit - reflexively look about for police on the prowl, especially in the rearview mirror. Even when backing out of my own driveway. Never did that before, now I do it all the time. Became quite good at it. It's really quite simple. Constantly examine the horizon for police ... familiarize yourself with all the police car styles, even the stealthy ones. Don't ever put yourself in a position where they can pull up behind you. Contemplate the possibilities. If it looks like it may happen, evade quickly by turning, even into a driveway if need be. I even studied the distance at which my expired tags became readable to other drivers. I contemplated the odds of police looking at me, as opposed to paying attention to their own driving, what was occupying their attention besides me, and could they see my expired plates in their rearview mirrors (very difficult). How do police think, what's on their minds, do they have time to pay attention to me? Sometimes they were right in front of me. Sometimes right next to me on the opposite side of the road, but never behind me. I never parked my car in a place where a passing police cruiser could notice the "issue". All in all, a very enlightening experience. I feel like I know the police much better now. They're really not all that attentive.

From Sept 17, 2005 to June 5, 2006 (8.5 months) my temporary tag was expired, and I had thankfully not been stopped. People marveled at this. "How have you not been caught?" they asked. "My attentiveness is better than theirs", I thought.

Of course, I stopped counting the kind citizens who felt compelled to inform me that my temporary tag had expired. They just wanted to make sure that I had noticed. The neighbors and co-workers had to chime in with friendly ridicule. Then there were the critical stares from complete strangers "What's the matter with that guy ... who does he think he is? ... how does he get away with it? ... he's got some nerve."

During this time I found that I drove less - to reduce the risk of being left on the side of the road with my car on its way to impound. I was also very careful never to break any other laws or risk getting in an accident. And I really avoided driving after drinking. Maybe we should all let our tags expire occasionally, just to improve traffic safety. Wait a minute ... are these legislators that smart? Is this what they were really getting at? I can just hear them ... "Let's make drivers more careful by making it ridiculously difficult to become license compliant. If they're not compliant, they'll have to drive very carefully."

Over the months, as the age of my expired temp tags became increasingly embarrassing, my anxiety level increased as I realized this was becoming difficult to explain. All those months and 4 or 5 carwashes later (making the tag very difficult to read), with no service on the car, an oil change due, and the transmission in bad shape, God was talking to me ... "David, please take note, your check engine light is now off ... at no cost to you." It was a miracle. Wow, "what happened", I wondered. Actually, this just confirmed my first surmise ... it's the light, not the engine. Either that, or God thinks the law is as stupid as I do. So off I went to E-check.

Nervous as hell, fearing what was going to cause me to fail this time, I went in prepared, accompanied by a smart woman in a real short skirt (Miss Jena), and three dogs, a sly approach designed to distract the station attendant, done in full view of the prominent sign stating "bribing service exam technicians is a federal offense ...". Of course this was risky, especially if the attendant didn't like short-skirted women or dogs. I was lucky. The attendant liked dogs, and women. He asks me to get out of the car, gets lots attention from the dogs, and I'm left wondering what's going to happen, pleased that he likes dogs, and apparently friendly short-skirted women.

He doesn't inform me that I have automatically failed. In fact, he gets in the car and pulls it in to the test position, while being lapped about the face by the dogs. I'm holding my breath, looking at the computer monitor from inside the glass enclosure for non-testing personnel. Pass ... Pass ... Pass ... Pass. Emissions check passed with no problems. Wow, what about that, because there was no idiot light on my instrument panel, they did the E-check, and wonder of wonders, my now 4-year-old car passed with flying colors. What a relief.

Where is the brilliant author of the "dashboard idiot light" clause in the emission legislation when you need her? I want to ask "how is it possible that my SUV passed the emission check in all categories after having had the "service engine soon" light on for the previous 32 months?" And then, "what exactly does a light on the dashboard have to do with certifying or measuring the emissions?" "Aren't you looking in the wrong place?" But I didn't have time to find anyone who would listen.

Waving goodbye to the testing techs, who were happily encouraging us to bring the dogs back any time for a visit, we were off to get a by-now needed drink, and then to the license bureau. Thankfully, with my vehicle emission Pass Certificate in hand, the bureau issued my new plates without incident. I was finally liberated. I could once again drive without looking over my shoulder. Curiously, over the next few days I found myself not paying nearly as much attention to my driving or speed as I did while noncompliant. After all, I was legal now. Nothing to fear. No need to be really attentive to everything going on around me, no need to scan the horizon for potential trouble and risks. While relieved at the lack of pressure, I found myself wondering, "am I being less safe?" Should I report this my legislator's drafting committee?

Moral of the story. Don't assume legislators know what they're doing or that the regulations they impose are logical. Two days after placing my new plates on the vehicle ... the check engine light came back on. Imagine that.